Friday, April 1, 2011

April 1: Astrodyntech Bids for 1st Corporate Seat

Residents of the DelMarVa peninsula have been wondering about the sudden increase in moving trucks coming through their part of the woods. In March of 2010, according to exclusive and anecdotal reports, Astrodyntech opened shop in Delaware, and accepted applications over 230,000 people from all over the world. These people then were required to relocate to company housing in rural southern Delaware. Observers note that this mass migration was just in time for the decennial census, and that this mass influx at this time was both economical for the fledgling company and just large enough to win Delaware a second seat in the House.

Since then, the company has moved another 110,000 staffers to this new boomtown. It is becoming apparent that the redistricting board made a pinkie-swear with the President of Astrodyntech to not "gerrymander" the new boomtown by keeping it in one cohesive Representative District. Delaware is not one of eleven states that is required to report such redistricting to the Feds, as per the 1965 Voting Rights Act.

Says Delaware State Historian Angie DeFlow, "Ever since the DuPont family started making chemicals, our state has always sold out to corporate interests". VPOTUS Joe Biden, formerly a US Senator from the State, released the following statement regarding the feds' response: "We have no grounds to invade their property until we have a warrant, which we don't have. We're really curious, though, so we'll jump on the next opportunity. An example of an opportunity might be a coworker coming to the cops with a workplace smoking violation. Then the Labor Department can get in there and see what's going on; but for now, our administration holds nothing against Astrodyntech". Says Delaware Governor Jack Markell: "It's a great opportunity for all Delawareans to have such an influx of new talent and new investment. For us, it's no small wonder that Delaware would be the breeding ground of democratic innovation. By the way, come some time and enjoy our tax-free shopping". Marylanders are wondering with envy why this debacle isn't playing out across the Mason-Dixon Line. Although the Maryland State Senate Leader declaimed this Astrodyntech maneuver as a "desecration of democracy", Lisa Gladden spoke with tearful eyes, as if this debacle was a missed opportunity for Maryland.

Astrodyntech is a privately held corporation which was incorporated in November 2008 in the State of Delaware. Main shareholders include many politicians and ex-politicians at all levels of government, not to neglect Halliburton's hefty share in the enterprise. Regarding the controversy that has arisen regarding the number of power players who hold stock, the President of the Company stated that "We're paying our team members 25 thousand a year, each, plus benefits, for cushy work. If we were paying to play, we could've bought that Illinois seat from Blago back in '09 for 600 grand". The company, asides from these brief comments, has remained mum and kept a low profile, and employees are dedicated to a confidentiality policy, with not whistleblowers coming forward yet.

Based on those figures provided, Astrodyntech will pay out around $7.5 billion in payroll this year. Considering the real cost for the Company, though, we estimate that three-quarters of those funds go back into the Company through rent, the company store, and work they actually get from their stiffs. The employees now are mostly occupied with building this new city; but once everything is built, one can only wonder if the stiffs will spend their days loafing around the grounds.

Residents of Delaware have mixed views. Pizza shop owner Donatello "Buddy" Rissoto, 38, states: "So here's a company that started in the middle of the Great Recession, and now has 300,000 some employees. They (Astrodyntech) deserve something". Another commenter, retiree Jake Barnes, 76, takes a different view: "Look, a survey in the Sassafras High School News reports that the name Jack Markell doesn't ring a bell to a third of the students, a good number of them who are registered voters. Thank you, If the survey had asked for the Governor's name, I suppose half the students couldn't answer correctly, one l or two. By the way, he's their Governor! Politicians are taking advantage of dimwitted, angry, voters. Back in my day, by the way, the voting age was 21, not 17. Yes, I said 17; and I fought in Korea, too."

Just today, a candidate for the 2012 2nd District Election emerged from the largely secluded boomtown. The Astrodyntech party was officially recognized a few days ago by the state. The petition for recognition of this party came in with significant bump over the required signature count. Pundits state that, at least 75%, closer to 90%, will have to vote their boss into power if she is to win. This high threshold is based on predictions for high voter turnout as citizens will want to counter the corporate candidate in this historic Election. The pundits also predict that a number of the signatories on the party's petition just wanted to see this party become legitimate, but will have cold feet at the voting booth.

The candidate stated that she, who has given no identity other than Astrodyntech so far, will most likely align with Old Time Republicans, but says that she looks forward to the day that "the movers of the American Economy, financiers of public education, wars, welfare programs, subsidies, Social Security and Medicare, and American Civil Society", what we think is codespeak for large corporations, will get a fair say in the democratic process. "It's been "look out for the little man" for a century now. Let's change the tide".

Says economist Jack Johnson, "The success of Astrodyntech relies on the outcome of the election. What the employees realize is that, if the company doesn't win, the leadership will declare corporate bankruptcy and walk away scotch free. If this happens, then all the little guys and gals are out of work. We are certain that the staff is being coached about this is in the daily 'employee meetings'". There is a stock benefit in employees, which Johnson says is a cruel ploy to get employees to politic harder for this corporate candidate than they otherwise would. In summation, no Republic has lasted forever; this may be the start of the fall of democracy in America". But, Johnson also quips, "If Astrodyntech was thinking straight, they might've gone for a lower turnout midterm election. On that thought, they'd have gone for a low population state like the Dakotas to get the bang for their buck: the two Senate seats would've come for free".

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