April 1: Astrodyntech Bids for 1st Corporate Seat

Residents of the DelMarVa peninsula have been wondering about the sudden increase in moving trucks coming through their part of the woods. In March of 2010, according to exclusive and anecdotal reports, Astrodyntech opened shop in Delaware, and accepted applications over 230,000 people from all over the world. These people then were required to relocate to company housing in rural southern Delaware. Observers note that this mass migration was just in time for the decennial census, and that this mass influx at this time was both economical for the fledgling company and just large enough to win Delaware a second seat in the House.

Since then, the company has moved another 110,000 staffers to this new boomtown. It is becoming apparent that the redistricting board made a pinkie-swear with the President of Astrodyntech to not "gerrymander" the new boomtown by keeping it in one cohesive Representative District. Delaware is not one of eleven states that is required to report such redistricting to the Feds, as per the 1965 Voting Rights Act.

Says Delaware State Historian Angie DeFlow, "Ever since the DuPont family started making chemicals, our state has always sold out to corporate interests". VPOTUS Joe Biden, formerly a US Senator from the State, released the following statement regarding the feds' response: "We have no grounds to invade their property until we have a warrant, which we don't have. We're really curious, though, so we'll jump on the next opportunity. An example of an opportunity might be a coworker coming to the cops with a workplace smoking violation. Then the Labor Department can get in there and see what's going on; but for now, our administration holds nothing against Astrodyntech". Says Delaware Governor Jack Markell: "It's a great opportunity for all Delawareans to have such an influx of new talent and new investment. For us, it's no small wonder that Delaware would be the breeding ground of democratic innovation. By the way, come some time and enjoy our tax-free shopping". Marylanders are wondering with envy why this debacle isn't playing out across the Mason-Dixon Line. Although the Maryland State Senate Leader declaimed this Astrodyntech maneuver as a "desecration of democracy", Lisa Gladden spoke with tearful eyes, as if this debacle was a missed opportunity for Maryland.

Astrodyntech is a privately held corporation which was incorporated in November 2008 in the State of Delaware. Main shareholders include many politicians and ex-politicians at all levels of government, not to neglect Halliburton's hefty share in the enterprise. Regarding the controversy that has arisen regarding the number of power players who hold stock, the President of the Company stated that "We're paying our team members 25 thousand a year, each, plus benefits, for cushy work. If we were paying to play, we could've bought that Illinois seat from Blago back in '09 for 600 grand". The company, asides from these brief comments, has remained mum and kept a low profile, and employees are dedicated to a confidentiality policy, with not whistleblowers coming forward yet.

Based on those figures provided, Astrodyntech will pay out around $7.5 billion in payroll this year. Considering the real cost for the Company, though, we estimate that three-quarters of those funds go back into the Company through rent, the company store, and work they actually get from their stiffs. The employees now are mostly occupied with building this new city; but once everything is built, one can only wonder if the stiffs will spend their days loafing around the grounds.

Residents of Delaware have mixed views. Pizza shop owner Donatello "Buddy" Rissoto, 38, states: "So here's a company that started in the middle of the Great Recession, and now has 300,000 some employees. They (Astrodyntech) deserve something". Another commenter, retiree Jake Barnes, 76, takes a different view: "Look, a survey in the Sassafras High School News reports that the name Jack Markell doesn't ring a bell to a third of the students, a good number of them who are registered voters. Thank you, www.youthvote.org. If the survey had asked for the Governor's name, I suppose half the students couldn't answer correctly, one l or two. By the way, he's their Governor! Politicians are taking advantage of dimwitted, angry, voters. Back in my day, by the way, the voting age was 21, not 17. Yes, I said 17; and I fought in Korea, too."

Update...
Just today, a candidate for the 2012 2nd District Election emerged from the largely secluded boomtown. The Astrodyntech party was officially recognized a few days ago by the state. The petition for recognition of this party came in with significant bump over the required signature count. Pundits state that, at least 75%, closer to 90%, will have to vote their boss into power if she is to win. This high threshold is based on predictions for high voter turnout as citizens will want to counter the corporate candidate in this historic Election. The pundits also predict that a number of the signatories on the party's petition just wanted to see this party become legitimate, but will have cold feet at the voting booth.

The candidate stated that she, who has given no identity other than Astrodyntech so far, will most likely align with Old Time Republicans, but says that she looks forward to the day that "the movers of the American Economy, financiers of public education, wars, welfare programs, subsidies, Social Security and Medicare, and American Civil Society", what we think is codespeak for large corporations, will get a fair say in the democratic process. "It's been "look out for the little man" for a century now. Let's change the tide".

Says economist Jack Johnson, "The success of Astrodyntech relies on the outcome of the election. What the employees realize is that, if the company doesn't win, the leadership will declare corporate bankruptcy and walk away scotch free. If this happens, then all the little guys and gals are out of work. We are certain that the staff is being coached about this is in the daily 'employee meetings'". There is a stock benefit in employees, which Johnson says is a cruel ploy to get employees to politic harder for this corporate candidate than they otherwise would. In summation, no Republic has lasted forever; this may be the start of the fall of democracy in America". But, Johnson also quips, "If Astrodyntech was thinking straight, they might've gone for a lower turnout midterm election. On that thought, they'd have gone for a low population state like the Dakotas to get the bang for their buck: the two Senate seats would've come for free".

AFD 2009

National News

A California based company has build a new freeway, known to some as "DC's Third Beltway". The road cuts through parts of Loundon and Fairfax counties in Virgina, and the Maryland counties of Montgomery and Howard.There is direct correlation, claims advocate for the poor Melissa Pauvre. These four counties are on the top-ten richest counties list. Not just that, she claims, but the company wishes to charge $50 per car to use the new road.

Now talk about Lexus Lanes. Company owner Mr. Alfredo claims that this is just an example of the free market. "If there is a need,people will use it. Now 50 dollars is much smaller than most speeding tickets, and I remind everyone that there is no speed limit on this road. Using this road is like buying a Lambourgini or a Ferrari. It's mostly for show. Anyway, it's a small luxury for these tough economic times." Mr. Zhou, a Potomac, MD resident who had part of his yard taken away by eminent domain, was asked in an Asian language what he felt about this road. HE replied in a way that resembled "Ching-Chong". It was later reported that he disapproved of this "evil devil".

So, if you want to use these lanes, Mr. Alfredo recommended following the signs with a suitcase of money on them. Or, as he added, "to follow the Lexus ahead of you".

International News

The Iranian government has condemned the Model United Nations program. For those who do not know, students play roles as representatives from countries assigned to them, and often consume much Starbucks in the process. This came after a closing ceremony video was released showing a delegate representing Iran admitting that he was a "fat, ignorant, intolerant, drunk pig at a recent conference in Saginaw, MI. The Iranian representative said that he "did not drink, and has no resemblance to an American pig such as that boy". The boy has issued an apology by proclaiming that he will never run in his life, so he can't say "I ran".

April 2

I actually do not plan on going to space next year, and to the best of my knowledge I am not on an FBI hit list. However, do not discount all of yesterday's April Fool's post. The Americans are actually quitting on space for the while being (as I foresaw happening. I saw it in the Express today.) Why I told this tale when I could have given honest truth? Because a) No one would believe it, b) and more likely, I'd be portrayed as a traitor to America. Now I'll give the April talk.

April is a fascinating month for me. Statistically speaking (based on my possible faulty research) there are a lot of people born in April 1993, and April in general. That means this is a special month for a lot of other people as well. April 2008 will be an even more special day for all of DC, because The Bishop of Rome, aka B-16, as some of is fans aptly call him, or the more proper Pope Benedict XVI, will make a once-in-a-lifetime appearance to the DC people at the new ballpark, which is perfect allegory to Revelations.

So reviewing this month, I have birthdays in line from April 2, today, to April 28, with a straight- shot list from April 16 through 22. Other events include WAMUNC at GW, within walking distance of my home, from April 10th to the 13th. As I have said before, April 17 is both my birthday and the DC Papal Mass.

Blogger in Space

The Russian government had recently held a contest, with the prize as a trip to the new Russian Space Station, and the first trip to the moon in 35 years. The contest was open to Russians of all nations. I, actually, am not ethnically a Russian, but nevertheless I passed as one, and won with my inspirational life story about how being a great-grandson of an Ellis Island immigrant (that part was true) proved many challenges in our family's recently-adopted country (about 70% of Americans have an Ellis Island ancestor) , and how expressing my voice in the style of the New Russia has erased the stigma of being a great-grandson of a generic immigrant.

So off I will fly to space from Russia in July 2009. While George Bush has specifically demanded that I not go, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and the UN commended me on this act, bridging the gap between... too much mush to handle. I actually declined the offer to ceremoniously remove the American flag, on the 40th anniversary of the American lunar landing, and replace it with the Russian type, because then I would never be let into America again, and, anyway, I don't want this to be the defining experience of my life. I just want to go on to college like everyone else.

George Bush has finally kicked America's bucket when questioned on what he will do about the "commies." He stated "this is a diffurunt amurica then the one i gru up in." and declared that he would go to war with Russia if they removed the American flag, and offered Russia nothing to quit now. What a dumb donkey, not to mention he has no authoritative power in July of next year. Four major presidential contestants have stated the need to jump-start our space program to be capable of building a space-fort to protect our flag. Hillary thinks it's better to give everyone on earth socialist health care.

The FBI and CIA as well as the NSO and FDA (Why?) have been given shoot-at-sight orders if they encounter me, so I better watch my back.

AFD 2008